There we sat in my living room, I was 24 years old, my in-laws, my family, and a few very close friends. It seemed as if I couldn't speak anymore words. As if my mouth was sealed shut. My heart was in a million pieces and I still had a 2 year old to take care of. This family reunion wasn't planned. It wasn't one I desired. But there they sat, in my living room, while I felt like I was in a distant world somewhere. My five and half month old son, Braden, had just died. We had been at the hospital where they tried to revive him, then taken to the police station and separated and questioned. Apparently, that's normal procedure when an infant dies and the cause is unknown. CPS had been to our home and taken all the baby tylenol, breast milk, and made us place a doll in the position we found him in. All while our families drove 4 hours trying to get to us. Finally they were here, and it didn't seem to help. I still felt alone, empty, scared, hopeless. How would I ever be happy again? How would I life?
Trials in our lives are very real. They are quite vivid and at times feel like they will destroy us. But (my favorite three letter word) His mercies are new every morning. Weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning. I want you to feel my emotions in this post. I want you to understand that the hurt was very real, very raw. But I also want you to see that I am not still there. God did not abandon me. I AM HAPPY and yes, even THANKFUL! In the midst of this rawness, I wrote a song. I think it is advantageous to share the lyrics in this post so here they are.
ON MY KNEES
Down on my knees again today, praying for the strength to go on
You say if I listen and obey, in my heart You will place a new song
So here I am asking You to please take my hand
I'm weak, I am feeble, I don't know how to stand
Your grace is sufficient, I know this is true
But right now Lord, I need to hear from You
I know You are with me through each hour, You've promised not to ever leave my side
Jesus, I need to see Your power, And in Your presence please help me to abide
So here I am asking You, to please take my hand
I'm weak, I am feeble, I don't know how to stand
Your grace is sufficient, I know this is true
But right now Lord, I need to hear from You
The midnight hour is far too dark, to see the dawning day
I ask You Lord, guard my heart, this I humbly pray
So here I am asking You to please take my hand
I'm weak, I am feeble, I don't know how to stand
Your grace is sufficient, I know this is true
But right now Lord, I need to hear from You
Right now Lord, I need to hear from You
Is your midnight hour far too dark to see the dawning day? Good news my friend, joy comes in the morning!!! I will not pretend that the next day I got up and all was well! It took many choices to bring me to where I am today. But I will absolutely say that no matter WHAT or WHERE I was, God never ever left me. I was never alone. He was a very present help in time of need. He allowed me to throw my tantrums, shake my fist, scream and yell, and just like the loving Father He is, held His hands out and asked if I was finished. He was there to hold me at the end of each fit. He is a true help when life hurts.
If you haven't experienced this, please, let me tell you 'bout my Jesus.
