Help When Life Hurts

There we sat in my living room, I was 24 years old, my in-laws, my family, and a few very close friends. It seemed as if I couldn't speak anymore words. As if my mouth was sealed shut. My heart was in a million pieces and I still had a 2 year old to take care of. This family reunion wasn't planned. It wasn't one I desired. But there they sat, in my living room, while I felt like I was in a distant world somewhere. My five and half month old son, Braden, had just died. We had been at the hospital where they tried to revive him, then taken to the police station and separated and questioned. Apparently, that's normal procedure when an infant dies and the cause is unknown. CPS had been to our home and taken all the baby tylenol, breast milk, and made us place a doll in the position we found him in. All while our families drove 4 hours trying to get to us. Finally they were here, and it didn't seem to help. I still felt alone, empty, scared, hopeless. How would I ever be happy again? How would I life?

Trials in our lives are very real. They are quite vivid and at times feel like they will destroy us. But (my favorite three letter word) His mercies are new every morning. Weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning. I want you to feel my emotions in this post. I want you to understand that the hurt was very real, very raw. But I also want you to see that I am not still there. God did not abandon me. I AM HAPPY and yes, even THANKFUL! In the midst of this rawness, I wrote a song. I think it is advantageous to share the lyrics in this post so here they are.

ON MY KNEES

Down on my knees again today, praying for the strength to go on

You say if I listen and obey, in my heart You will place a new song

So here I am asking You to please take my hand

I'm weak, I am feeble, I don't know how to stand

Your grace is sufficient, I know this is true

But right now Lord, I need to hear from You

I know You are with me through each hour, You've promised not to ever leave my side

Jesus, I need to see Your power, And in Your presence please help me to abide

So here I am asking You, to please take my hand

I'm weak, I am feeble, I don't know how to stand

Your grace is sufficient, I know this is true

But right now Lord, I need to hear from You

The midnight hour is far too dark, to see the dawning day

I ask You Lord, guard my heart, this I humbly pray

So here I am asking You to please take my hand

I'm weak, I am feeble, I don't know how to stand

Your grace is sufficient, I know this is true

But right now Lord, I need to hear from You

Right now Lord, I need to hear from You 

Is your midnight hour far too dark to see the dawning day? Good news my friend, joy comes in the morning!!! I will not pretend that the next day I got up and all was well! It took many choices to bring me to where I am today. But I will absolutely say that no matter WHAT or WHERE I was, God never ever left me. I was never alone. He was a very present help in time of need. He allowed me to throw my tantrums, shake my fist, scream and yell, and just like the loving Father He is, held His hands out and asked if I was finished. He was there to hold me at the end of each fit. He is a true help when life hurts. 

If you haven't experienced this, please, let me tell you 'bout my Jesus. 

Forgiven

Windows rolled down, casually driving home in the beautiful sunshine; I heard something on the radio that caught my attention. "I didn't tell my church or the Christian radio station I worked for that I got divorced for six months. I was so afraid of what people would think of me." My heart ached as I recalled my own feelings through my divorce.

I was a Pastor's daughter, at Pensacola Christian College going to school for youth ministries. I loved everything about ministry. I was ready to jump right in. So I did. I married at the young age of 20 years old and one month later became "Miss Erica" aka the youth pastor's wife. We served there for 9 years and then moved to Madison, IN where I became "Miss Erica" the pastor's wife. I enjoyed ministry so much. I love people. I love counseling. I love serving. But I was so lonely. Many things were not as they appeared on my face. My face always wore a bright smile and a God's got this glow. But inside I felt worthless. I was dying. 

Through a series of circumstances and choices (for a later blog post) I left my husband of 13 years in December 2015. Before leaving, I had several fears. The greatest fear: what in the world would people think of me? How could I survive the stares, the whispers, the attacks? I convinced myself that I would survive and I made the difficult step. 

And then it happened. Like fine china on a high shelf on a windy day, my world came crashing down and my heart shattered. Calls, texts, emails flooded in on a daily basis- all of them- attacks on me, my character, my ability to be a good mother. I was accused of being lost, being abusive, condemning my children to hell, and being the worst mom there is. I had never experienced anything like this. Ever. I had never been on the end of Christianity that drove someone into the ground. I had never been treated so poorly in my entire life. And all without a single question as to why. (not that it's ok to treat someone that way if the reason isn't good, but just seems even more strange to treat someone that way without knowing why!) 

Shouldn't Christians be the most forgiving? After all, they have been the most forgiven. Shouldn't Christians reach out with a desire to restore a brother/sister fallen? After all, they have been restored. Shouldn't Christians be the most merciful? After all, they have experienced the most mercy. My mind raced in a thousand different directions. My physical body sick at the thought of going to church and facing any of these "Christians". 

This was ongoing for at least two years. It was the hardest time in my entire life. But by the grace of God, I stand here today to tell you FORGIVENESS is REAL! NOT ALL CHRISTIANS are this way! In the midst of the many who treated me this way, there were a few who reached out in love. Real love. Agape love. The love of God that says, Hey, I don't agree with all your choices, but I know that Jesus loves you and I do too. The love that brought my family dinner. The love that sent a text saying, I'm praying for you today. The love that said, Would you like to come over for dinner at my house today? THOSE Christians helped restore my love of church. THOSE Christians helped me to move from darkness to light. 

I am determined to be one of THOSE Christians. And for you who sit and read this and you are not, I have great news for you-- YOU CAN BE! It's one simple decision to love like Jesus loves. It's one choice that says I want to see people the way YOU do Jesus! It's one choice that says despite how I feel or what I think, I WILL FORGIVE! I will remember that my sins nailed Jesus to the cross, and I am no better than that person. 

We CAN change the world. One person at a time. One decision at a time. Choose forgiveness today. 

I'm Thankful For YOU!

 Thank you. Such easy words to say. To some they come out effortlessly. To others, they are difficult words.

But what is thankfulness? Webster defines it as conscious of benefit received; expressive of thanks; well pleased: GLAD. Wow. Stop and let that soak in. On a regular basis are you conscious of a benefit you received? The door held open by a stranger, someone waving you ahead in traffic when it's not your turn, provision for a bill, the food on your table? Well pleased...GLAD...can you truly say you have a thankful heart? 

Sometimes it's hard to be thankful. I get it. People stink sometimes!!! We allow our circumstances, past or present to determine how our heart outlook will be. Maybe you've been told that you are insufficient, stupid, worthless; or maybe it's just how someone has made you feel. Well I want you to know that tonight, I am thankful for YOU! YES YOU!!! You see, you have chosen to stop what you are doing and take the time to see what I have to say to you! You have made my heart glad!!!

Today in my devotions I read of David after he had taken a woman that was not his, got her pregnant, and murdered her husband! (The Bible sure is a captivating book!) Nathan came to him and told him of story of a man who had many sheep and his neighbor who had one. The man with one sheep loved his sheep and cared for him as a child. Then the man with many sheep had someone come over for supper. Rather than dressing (killing and cooking) one of his many sheep, he took his neighbor's one sheep! HOW RUDE! David was livid. He told Nathan that the man will be punished and have to answer for his wickedness, and would have to return tenfold to the neighbor. Then Nathan said, You're the Man, David. Imagine the immense dagger to the heart!!! David had wives and concubines and the kingdom to choose from, but he took one man's wife. As crazy as that story is, and as many applications I could give, I am more interested in what happened next. As a result of David's sin, Nathan told him that his child would die. David wept, and fasted and prayed while the child was alive. But when the child died, David got up, put on clean clothes and ate. His servants were shocked. How could he do this? So they asked him! David replied with, While the child was alive, I didn't know if God would be merciful to me and spare him, but now he is dead. I will go to him, but he can't come to me. In the midst of GREAT sorrow, David was what? THANKFUL!! His heart was glad to be restored to fellowship with the Lord. He knew he would see his son again one day. What an incredible faith!

You may not have a trial that big going on right now, or perhaps you do, but the great news is that either way, you can be thankful!

Choose thankful. It's a choice you'll never regret. 

Loneliness

Have you ever sat in a crowded room and felt completely alone? Ever felt like no matter how many friends you have on your facebook page, or in your phone contact list, you were all by yourself? I have certainly felt these feelings. In fact, it started very early in life for me...

When I was a young girl, I realized very quickly that I was much different than my family. My parents and my two siblings are not affectionate people. They aren't huggers, or even touchers for that matter! They aren't the type to end a sentence with "I love you". I, however, am a BIG HUGGER. I touch people even just as I tell a story. My love language is physical touch. So as a young girl, I can remember saying, "GOODNIGHT! I LOVE YOU!!" And not hearing it echoed back. So, I did what anyone in my shoes would do, I cried myself to sleep. 

Now before you go judging my parents and my siblings, they are good people! I love them dearly to this day. I am thankful for them. But, they didn't know how to speak my love language. And as a result, I felt alone. Interestingly enough, loneliness became a theme in my life. I was everyone's (double extrovert here so I do mean everyone!) friend. If anyone needed anything, they could count on me. However, when I needed something, there was no one to call. As a 14 year old girl, I recall sitting in my living room crying and explaining to my dad that I had no friends and I felt alone. He explained to me that the Lord was preparing me for ministry because it was a very lonely place. I thought he was crazy....I didn't want to be lonely my whole life! But you know what? He was right! 

I became a young adult and married early. and guess what?! I STILL FELT LONELY! I couldn't escape the feeling, no matter how much I tried to fill my life with people or things. 

I could go into several specific incidents but I think you understand, because I think many people feel this way. So what on earth do we do about it? 

Deuteronomy 31:8 says, "And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." 

Here we find three truths that we can take comfort in. 

1. The Lord goes before me. There is absolutely nothing that I face that doesn't pass through God's hands first. 

2. He will be with me. Not only does God know what will happen, but He promises to go through it with me...this means I am ABSOLUTELY NEVER ALONE!

3. He will never fail or forsake me. God cannot fail. He promises he will not forsake me- this means He won't abandon me. 

Then we see that because of these things, we don't have to fear or be dismayed (we don't need to be afraid). 

I also want to give you three practical steps you can take to help overcome loneliness.

1. Take care of yourself physically. It's so important we do something to relieve stress and emotions. Sometimes our feelings are just that- feelings, and when we properly exercise and rest, we can have better control of our feelings. 

2. Stop expecting everyone to love like you love, and care like you care. Instead, love like Jesus and expect nothing in return. Choose to make an impact in five people's lives per day. Ways to do this are simple: bless someone unsuspectingly, pay a compliment to a stranger, text someone something encouraging.

3. Volunteer. Yes you read that right. Volunteer at a local shelter, food pantry, your church, an orphanage. Help people. 

Praying that all who read this will find a friend in Jesus. Jesus loves you, and I do too! 

Introducing Me: The Broken One

There I sat, outside my parent's bedroom door, the sounds of my mom sobbing inside her room. I was five years old. It was a Sunday morning and we were all about to go to church. "Erica, get in the car," my dad said. I sat there, crying, unsure what was going on or even why I was crying. "I want to stay with mom." I said. "No, go get in the car." So I did. 

I don't know why that day is seared in my brain. I don't have any idea what happened that day other than that myself, my sister, my brother, and my dad went to church and my mom did not. I know my heart hurt for her. It felt her pain, even though I did not understand it. 

Another day I will never forget, though the details are few...Second grade, walking in the living room, I was greeted by my dad in tears. He said, "Mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Mommy doesn't love daddy anymore." Devastation, fear, frustration, and hot tears ran down my face. "I don't understand," I thought. Moments later my mom came in and said, "Mommy and daddy are not getting a divorce, don't worry Erica." I don't remember anything else, just relief. But I'll never forget that day.

Many moments after this I can recall my parents fighting, lots of tears, days of my mom staying in her room, and general sorrow. I can also recall so many great moments we had together. Lots of laughter, family vacations, holidays, and family fun nights. 

I share these moments with you, to lay a foundation of my beautifully, gracefully broken life. You see, brokenness isn't something that happens just once in our lives. It isn't one catastrophic event that takes place, but rather many broken moments that we determine to allow defeat us, or we turn to Jesus to carry us. 

The days I told you about that I can recall so clearly were hard. They left scars in my life. They began my brokenness. They began my choices of turning to or away from my Savior. I was saved at the age of five. I knew Jesus loved me. I knew I needed His grace to enter Heaven. I knew that my sin cost Him everything. I knew He died, was buried and rose again. What I didn't know was all that He would do to carry me, to mold me, to shape me, to break me. 

Maybe you are reading this and you think, this lady is nuts. That's ok! Thanks for stopping by and checking out my blog. For the rest of you, who can understand the hurt, the brokenness, who have either found beauty in it, or are looking to see how to find beauty in it, YOU are my people. I hope you will join me in this journey called life as we unfold our beautifully, gracefully broken stories!